So Very, Very Vain
by snuggled
Summary: What's a girl to do with two very vain boys trying to win her over? James/Lily/Severus Not what implies. All is one-sided here. And I do mean ALL.


Okay, here's another failed attempt at the Marauders, because for some odd reason they're coming back in full swing. (I think what brought this on the most was that I read my first fic a while back while posting the latest chapter of Runner's High, and I JUST got through reading a scanlation of a manga that involves people who turn into fucking DINOSAURS! Just like that REALLY crappy Sci-Fi (Channel and genre, but mostly channel) movie that came out a few years ago and the fucking MARIO MOVIE. DEVOLUTION ALL THE WAY. Because we all know Bowser's bald, and he's actually human until he turns into a fucking huge-ass t-rex thanks to the devolution beam.) That is _the_ longest parenthesis I've ever used.

BOBOMB!

With that said, I start the fic.

Oh yeah, and it's going to have some light Severus/Lily in it, because I've been in love with that pairing ever since I read Deathly Hallows. Ha ha. Though, you'd probably be sorely disappointed by how light it is.

Actually, it's not even about the Marauders. It's about Lily. Nevermind.

* * *

"**So Very, Very Vain"**_  
Inspired partly by Carly Simon's "You're So Vain"_

...

The sun was shining through the trees and a gentle breeze was blowing past her as she sat out by the lake, staring at the placid water, only disturbed by the ripples the wind was making in it. As she watched, her reflection began to twist, long red hair shrinking and becoming thick and unruly, her eyes fading to a dull brown, her shoulders becoming broader. She could only look on in horror as her reflection turned into that…that _creep_ that had been after her since she first arrived to Hogwarts.

A snicker behind her was all she needed to hear to realize it wasn't just her imagination.

She whirled around, standing to her feet and pointing her wand at the lake, swishing it about and rippling the image into nothing more than sunlight on the surface of the water. "You're incorrigible, James Potter!"

The offending Marauder quickly hid his wand behind his back just as Sirius, his best friend, leaned on his shoulder, attempting to hide the motion with his robe and failing miserably. James cleared his throat, glancing at Sirius in an attempt to regain his composure.

"Lily…what_ever_ do you mean? Here I am, taking a lovely walk by the lake and you go and yell at me…"

She glared, pointing her wand at him and seething. "You… You…" Her face turned bright red and she spun around.

He could only laugh, and Sirius bounded over, spinning her back around. "Come on, Lily! Let's have a look at that pretty face of yours! It's as red as your hair!!"

She glared again, slapping his hand away from her. "Don't touch me! You two get away from me this instant! I'll…I'll…"

James smirked, holding a hand up to his chest dramatically. "Oh dear, what would you do to me? Most certainly not the things I'd want you to…"

"Be quiet!"

"A little bit of this, a little bit of that… Oh, I most certainly want you to try something of course…but, oh dear… That'd ruin my reputation, wouldn't it? I'd be off the market, too, wouldn't I? Oh, we can't have that. All of my adoring fans would be so _disappointed_…"

"The only fans you have are the ones clogging up the space around your swelled head and blowing that god-awful wind through your hair!"

At this, James smirked smugly, giving her a wink and completely ignoring that he had no care for whatever this 'fan' contraption was. "Oh, so you noticed that spell I used? It's not like I can get wind indoors…You must watch me often… Let me ask–what's the best thing about me?" He turned his head to the right. "Is this my best side?" _Turn_. "Or maybe to the left?" He turned his face back to her, giving her his best grin. "I'm wondering how I should pose for the school paper when I win the Quidditch game tomorrow…"

Her face turned red and she groaned, resisting the urge to start pulling her hair out. "You're just–! You…!! You're the vainest man I have ever met in my _life_, James!"

As she stormed off, James turned to his friend, looking pleased with himself. "I do believe that's the first time she's said my name without following it up with Potter. Is that right, Moony? I've lost count…" He turned to his lycanthropic companion and Remus just gave him a calm smile.

"I think it is."

Sirius grinned. "It's a pity she had to scream with her eyes closed like that, though. It's nice to see that angry look in her eyes. Oh, and she called you a _man_, too. Congratulations, Prongs!"

James smiled, pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose triumphantly. "Yes, my friends. Soon, Lily Evans will be _mine_."

––––––––––––––––

"Stupid Sirius Black… S-Stupid James Potter… What's his problem anyway!? That…that big…"

"Rotter?"

Lily's head turned, suddenly realized she'd been monologuing all the way down the hall. Her eyes caught sight of something off by the wall, black and foreboding. She sighed, noticing the pale white skin and stringy hair of Severus.

"Yes. He is. He's a rotter, alright."

The black-haired young man just glanced up at the ceiling for a moment, staring at it like it had just called him a nasty name. He turned back to her, grimacing. "Nothing happened, did it?"

She laughed, waxing hysterical and throwing her arms up in the air. "Oh, nothing _happened_! He simply ruined a perfectly good day for me today is all! First he has the gall to make me think I'm thinking about him when I'd rather not, then that Sirius Black can't keep his hands to himself and James starts going on and on about how he wants me in his robes, and _then_–! Then he throws everything I say back into my face and…and…" She turned bright red, falling silent.

By the wall, Severus just stared at her, watching her, biting his lip ever so lightly. "What am I going to do about you…" He mumbled, more to himself than anyone else. He sighed, scratching his nose. "I should probably say something…"

She turned her head to him, taking a few steps toward him. "Say something about what?? Is there something on my face??" She stared him straight in the eye, green against black, and he felt his lips curl downward, into a grimace. This just excited her further. "There is, isn't there!?" She spun around, looking around for the nearest mirror, coming up empty walled.

He sighed, putting a hand to his chest and looking off to the side. "Well, there _isn't_. I was talking to myself…" She looked back at him, and he sighed again, staring anywhere but into those big, green eyes he adored so much. "Listen, Lily, I–"

"Love you…"

They both turned to see Lucius and his latest fling saying good-bye in the hallway. The Malfoy boy grinned in that debonair way of his, grabbing Severus in shoulder-lock. He turned to Lily, scoffing in disgust. "Well, I wonder what the _Mudblood_ wants with you, Severus… Go ahead and tell her how much of a rotten little bag she is. I've got time. Besides, I want to see tears well up in those sickeningly green eyes of hers."

Her friend froze up, completely at a loss at what to do. On one hand, he could tell her exactly what Lucius was expecting and win his good graces…but then she'd hate him. On the other hand, he could tell her what was _really_ on his mind and risk Lucius ostracizing him for the rest of his life. Coupled with that filthy James Potter and his band of miscreants, he couldn't take anymore bullying. And what if she rejected him? He couldn't have that at all. She'd laugh–he was a Slytherin, he was greasy, he was like a brother to her. Every excuse he could come up with ran through his mind.

"Excuse me, Malfoy, but Severus doesn't believe that being Muggle-born matters. So you can take your holier-than-thou mentality and shove it right where it belongs."

His lip trembled, the words were at the tip of his tongue; no amount of bullying on both sides would stand in his way. He'd tell her; he'd tell her and even if she rejected him, they'd only grow closer. Sure, she'd probably just use him even more in Potions class, but what did it matter? Anything for his precious flower, his Lily.

"Actually, it does."

No! That wasn't what he wanted to say at all! Even now he could see it was a mistake by the look in her eyes, the half-open gape her mouth had taken, the anger stirring beneath the surface, that sickly look of hurt and betrayal that was threatening to rip his heart in two.

Her eyes crinkled, and before he knew it, there was a stinging in his face and the obnoxious laughter issuing from Lucius's throat in his ear. She huffed, finally slapping him once more, harder this time.

"I finally know, Severus! It's not James at all–it's _you_! You're the vainest piece of trash I have ever met! You could've told him off on my behalf, but instead you had to go and act just as bad as him! I don't want to even hear you _breathe_ ever again! Go to hell!"

With a turn, all he could see was that red hair flowing behind her, bouncing in time with her step. And all the while, in that sickeningly pompous tone of his, was the laughter of a mule beside him, in his ear, filling his ears and shutting everything else off. Just her figure leaving him behind, the numbness in his cheek, and the boorish laughter to his left.


End file.
